So You Have to Do a Bowel Prep!

I understand there are people who undertake colon cleansing processes even when they aren't going to have anyone mucking around up their behinds or in their bellies. I think these are some seriously misguided folks. I don't see how medical science will ever be able to eliminate the delightful process of cleansing one's digestive system prior to certain tests and procedures but our modern consumer culture has managed to make the experience a little easier to bear for the person who plans ahead.

Now seriously doing a bowel prep as it's called is no joking matter. If you try to bend the rules your gastroenterologist may miss a menacing lesion hiding behind some hunk of poo you didn't see fit to expel. If you vary from the prescribed diet that innocent dish of red jello could buy you a work up for GI bleeding. If you aren't spotless in there and your surgeon has to manipulate your bowels whilst redoing your insides you run the risk of a major toxic spill. The ecosystem inside your belly will not take this kindly. That said here is my advice for an almost painless bowel prep.

Make reservations at a really fine restaurant for 36 hours before your test. Eat anything and everything to excess. Most importantly drink heavily. A bottle of wine, some port and some Havana Rum if you can get your hands on it. Feel free to begin you celebration of all things "clear" at this time by having white Bordeaux and white port. If you can't get Havana Rum tequila makes a fine substitute. Be sure and follow dinner with about half a pound of white cherries. This will jump start the process. When you wake up in the morning you will have all day to rehydrate yourself with the ginger ale, white cranberry juice, peach juice, and lemonade with which you have stocked the fridge. Breakfast should consist of poached, or soft boiled eggs and white bread. This will be about all you can handle anyway. When you wake up again around 4pm you have to drink your magnesium citrate or phosphosoda. Chase it with any and all of your "clear" liquids. A routine bowel prep without the debauchery at 36 hours requires that you drink at least 8 ounces of fluid every hour while awake. If you have chosen the debauchery option I suggest you shoot for 24 ounces per hour. At 9 pm it is time to take the bisacodyl tablets. I strongly advise that you have several interesting magazines, perhaps a radio and definitely some "Kandoo" flushable wipes at the ready in your bathroom. Kandoo wipes in case you aren't familiar are "your little one's first toilet tissue." In other words Kandoos are for kids learning to doo doo on the can. Do not get baby wipes. Baby wipes are not flushable and this is not something you want to find out during a bowel prep. While hanging out in the bathroom feel free to take one or several showers with antibacterial soap. I personally recommend Dial antibacterial "mountain fresh" body wash plus moisturizer. Who wouldn't want to smell "mountain fresh"? A last word about fragrance: to avoid any embarrassment once at the hospital I suggest you avoid the fruit-y or "jungle-fresh" Kandoos. Finally, an hour before you leave in the morning do an enema followed by one more mountain fresh shower. Please do not ask anyone to help you with the enema. We are born alone, we die alone and we should always do our enemas alone.